THE STORY OF EVOLUTION
by Tom » Fri Aug 25, 2006 5:41 pm

THE STORY OF EVOLUTION

IN THE LAND OF THE MAD
BOOT LICKING MONKEYS,
A BLACK CROW HOOVERED OVER THE
DEAD CARCASS THAT WAS ONCE A KIND AND LOVING MAN,
WHO WAS ON OCCASION ACCUSED OF ALMOST EVERYTHING BY THE MAD BOOT LICKING MONKEYS, BECAUSE HE REFUSED TO DO THE ONE THING THE BOOT LICKING MONKEYS LOVED TO DO. HE REFUSED TO LICK THEIR BOOT AND WAS CONDEMNED TO LIFE TILL DEATH WITH NOTHING- NOONE WAS TO GIVE HIM HOPE, NOONE WAS TO GIVE
HIM HELP, NOONE WAS TO GIVE HIM ANY INFORMATION
ON ANY SUBJECT, FOR ANY REASON. HE WAS OF COURSE CONDEMNED WITHOUT TRIAL OR EVEN NOTICE. HE WAS CONDEMNED ON THE Q.T. A LANGUAGE KNOWN ONLY TO THE MAD BOOT LICKING MONKEYS.

THE BLACK CROW HOVERED FOR DAYS OVER THE MANS CARCASS
DARING NOT TO APPROACH NO SCAVENGER APPROACHED.
THIS CAUSED CONCERN AMONGST THE MAD BOOT LICKING MONKEYS
THEY DIDN'T WANT THE MAN TO DECAY AND INFECT THEIR PERFECT BOOT LICKING LAND. THERE WERE WHISPERS-OTHERS MAY, BECOME LIKE HIM AND REFUSE TO LICK OUR BOOTS. WHAT DO WE DO? IT WAS SUGGESTED TO CHANGE THE FACTS ON HIS LIFE TO SAY THAT HE WAS A PROLIFIC BOOT LICKER IN FACT THAT IS WHAT HE DIED FROM. HE LICKED TO MANY BOOTS HE FORGOT TO EAT AND STARVED TO DEATH.
THEY WOULD MAKE HIS DEATH ONE WITH A MORAL ATTACHED. WHILE BOOT LICKING IS THE HIGHEST FORM A BEING CAN ATTAIN IT IS ALSO PERMISSIBLE TO SNACK FROM TIME TO TIME. THEY ERECTED A STATUE IN THEIR MAIN SQUARE HONOURING THIS OUTSTANDING BOOT LICKER AND THEIR HE REMAINED STUFFED IN THE MAIN SQUARE FOR GENERATIONS AND FOR GENERATIONS THE SCHOOL CHILDREN WERE BROUGHT TO SEE HIM AND MARVEL AT SOME OF THE DEEDS NOW ATTRIBUTED TO HIM BY GENERATIONS OF HYSTERICAL BOOT LICKERS. ALL THE WHILE THE GENERATIONS OF THE BLACK CROW FLEW OVERHEAD WATCHING THIS ODDITY UNRAVEL. THAN ONE DAY A BRIGHTER VERSION OF THE MAD BOOT LICKING MONKEY CHILD NOTICED THAT THIS MAN WHO WAS NOW KNOWN TO HAVE BEEN THE MOST BRAVE, MOST INTELLIGENT, MOST INCREDIBLE BEING TO HAVE EVER TALKED TO WAS DIFFERENT SOMEHOW. NOONE AGREED BUT HE
PERSISTED AND ASKED THIS QUESTION WHICH EXPOSED THIS LIE
AND CHANGED THE COURSE OF HISTORY. IF THIS MAN WAS THE
GREATEST BOOT LICKER OF ALL TIME, WHY THEN IS THERE
ABSOLUTELY NO SHOE POLISH ON HIS TONGUE? THEY ALL
GAZED AT EACH OTHERS BLACKENED, BROWNED AND WHITENED SHOE
BOOT LICKING TONGUES, AND THEN LOOKED AT HIS STILL PINK, MOIST, PURE, WITHOUT A GRAM OF POLISH ON HIS TONGUE.
MUCH DEBATE OCCURRED. HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? WHAT COULD OUR FORE, FATHERS HAVE BEEN SAYING WHEN THEY SAID THAT THIS MAN WAS THE GREATEST BOOT LICKER OF ALL TIME.
THE DEBATE INCLUDED EXPERTS THAT STATED THAT IF THE LICKING ISN'T CONTINUOUS THE MANS TONGUE WILL DISSOLVE THE POLISH
OVERTIME. HE LICKED ONLY NATURAL SKINS BECAUSE THEY HAD NO POLISH BACK THEN. THAT WAS DISPUTED BY A CAN OF POLISH THAT HAD BEEN PLACED IN THE MANS HAND THE DAY THEY STUFFED
HIM. THE CAN HAD A DATE ON IT WHICH COINCIDED WITH THE
DATE OF THE STUFFING. BESIDES AN INFORMED GROUP OF
RECOVERING BOOT LICKERS STATED THE POLISH NEVER COMES OFF AND ALL YOU GET IS A HEADACHE.

ONE DARING SOUL EVEN DECLARED I THINK BOOT LICKING HAS MADE ME STUPID. THE HIGHER UPS WHO HAD TO MAINTAIN ORDER SAID OH NO YOU ARE NOT STUPID. YOU ARE SO SMART YOU SHOULD BE KING. YOU WANT ME TO BE KING. WE DO.

TO THIS DAY NOT ONE CROW HAS EVER LANDED IN THE LAND OF THE
MAD BOOT LICKING MONKEYS. ONLY THEIR DROPPINGS. WHICH IS HOW
HISTORY WAS CHANGED.

One day many generations later another Scholar of sorts blurted out. Maybe our four fathers Vere vrong all along. Maybe ve vernt suppose to be boot lickers but butt lickers. The land stopped. Paused to ponder this revelation. It fit the facts. The MAN's tongue is still pink. And that's the continuing story of evolution. Many generations would again pass BEFORE ANOTHER MONUMENTAL DISCOVERY. HIS NOSE WAS NOT BROWN EITHER
Tom
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Tom's Ark
by Tom » Sat Aug 26, 2006 6:28 pm

TOMS ARK

There was this tax guy who scoured the tax law looking for deductions, loopholes, deductions that were open to interpretation and he had a client that needed a really big tax deduction. He needed one out of this world tax deduction so the tax guy went out of the box and straight into action. You see, he knew a guy who knew a guy, who needed a favor done and he wrote tax laws. He knew another guy, who knew a guy who passed tax laws. He knew a third guy, who knew a guy who needed a favor and he upheld new rulings at tax court.

The tax guy could do all three favors for one big favor in return. The thing was that his client had an odd demand. He had no business, no income and only one son. But he decided he wanted to see what this tax business was all about and wanted a big big return. And this client was someone you could never say no too. He was different. What he wanted deducted was his flock. This would be a tough sale. But slowly the plan formed. And slowly he bent the ears of his friends. Slowly each favour was accomplished to the relief of the recipient who were all grateful beyond belief. Slowly he fed them the plan. “He has to be kidding. We can't do that.” Were the first replies. But soon the shock started to make sense. They all met the client and they all fell under his spell just like the tax guy had. A tax law was proposed with much debate, passed after an enormous storm rolled through Ottawa. The National Post howled at the legislation. The opposition was flabbergasted and filibustered for six days. A funny thing though, on the seventh day in the midst of the storm they all fell asleep at the same moment. No one noticed. The bill went through first and second reading in the House of Commons
and with the sleeping opposition it was unanimous and off to the Senate it went. Where another odd thing happened. All the Senators were there and awake and passed the bill that moment and made it law with no debate. Now all this happened in forty days.

And this is what they passed. A special law was passed to give benefits and credits for anyone who would build an Ark for the clients flock. Now this was not your normal flock. There were different life forms with animals, birds, reptiles, mammals, fish and insects apart of the flock. And each one would have GST, Sales tax credits, housing credit and the cost of the Ark would be reimbursed. The tax guy who craved his entire life for the big tax return. The mother of all tax returns drooled at the potential. There was a little problem with the address but the tax guy would figure something out because there was an address but how could he put it on paper.

Once the plan was enacted and the tax law had passed he began his last task. To construct a boat. A real big boat. The client wanted all his flock to be put on a boat. He called it an Ark. The dimensions of the Ark was larger than the largest aircraft carrier and higher then a B.C. fir. At the front he wanted a twenty two foot All Welcome sign. Now the problem was the only thing the tax guy had ever built was tax returns. And there was no one to help, not that he wanted help. He was a lone wolf. He liked it done his way. The fact that he had no idea on how to build an Ark was secondary. Couldn't be any tougher than taxes could it?

The client appeared one day and demanded it all be done before April 30. Tax day. And tax day would be Ark day. Today was April 1. April fools day.

Here he was in the middle of Canada on the Great Canadian Shield with no idea how to hold a hammer with thirty days to build an Ark. It could be done. You see the tax guy was an optimist. He saw the possibilities. The big picture. He just never thought that he would have to build the big picture. Anyway this is what happened.

He got a blueprint for a canoe and expanded it by one thousand times. Imagine a canoe two km long. 100ft tall. First he laid out the wood for a simple canoe, tacked it all together and watched it float. Then the clouds opened wide, the canoe filled up and did a titanic. Then to top his day off the client arrived to see the last of the canoe dive into the deep and said. “I hope that wasn't my Ark tax guy?”

“Actually it was. I don't know what happened. I followed the blueprint.”

“Yeah, that happens when the blueprint isn't exactly right. I've had that problem myself. Anyhow tax guy, you have twenty-nine days to go. DO NOT BE LATE.”
In a booming voice that made the tax guy leak. “I guarantee Bob. It will be done on time.” Bob was the clients A.K.A. Tax guy banged his head against the water and said aloud.”Why did I say that?” He heard Bob again. “Because I picked you.”

He had been found out. His worst nightmare had returned. He wondered if Bob was an old client and had he wronged him? He didn't like open questions. Tax guy had lived in a world of numbers. He had dreams but he never had courage. His flaws were exposed. He didn't know everything. And now he doubted that he knew anything worthwhile at all. But he soldiered on. He began again. This time he looked for the flaw in the blueprint. He studied the plans for a very long time. He concentrated longer and harder than he ever had before. Then he saw it. The flaw was as logical as it was easy to fix so began canoe number two. This time on dry land. The flaw was in his interpretation of the instructions. Nowhere did it say that the boat had to float. He merely had to build it. The instruction said all would be well and to have faith.

The tax guy had a problem with that. He never had faith before in anything or anyone but himself. This time he included a client. Never trust a client was his motto. Never trust the government. Never trust anyone at any time so why was he trusting Bob? There was something about Bob he couldn't figure out. And why was he tax guy building an Ark? What was going on? Oh yes, it was for the money, or was it? Had they even talked about the fee? Tax guy could not remember telling Bob about his fee. He wondered what Ark builders charge. He wondered if they got paid by the hour or by the job. He wondered if building ten Arks would be cheaper than one. And what would Bob do with an Ark this size on dry land? And why was it so hot? This was the hottest spring he could remember. And the mosquitoes were enormous and hungry. They swarmed like locust. And then there were the black flies and those sand flies. Deer flies and horse flies. Billions of them. And tax guy kept saying to himself, “there had to be a deal between me and Bob.” then the doubt would appear. “or was there?” he would moan. But he kept going because a deal was a deal even though he didn't have the foggiest idea what it could be.

By April 15, the tax guy had the entire Ark laid out. 2 km of Jack pine. Sticky, gummy jack pine he had purchased from local cutters who had no other market but tax guy. And by some odd occurrence would dump their loads on cue. There was never too many and never not enough and no one ever left a bill. But the tax guy kept records of all that came. The ledgers were detailed. The deductions recorded and the tax return would be stupendous.

On the April 22nd, Bob showed up to inspect his deduction. The tax guy had just finished a layer of jack pine 2 km long and twenty ft high when Bob said. “Tax guy, I have a question to ask you?” Tax guy looked at Bob with trepidation. Bob had that type of voice. “Why are you building my Ark with Jack pine when I said I wanted it made of B.C. fir?”
“Bob.” Protested tax guy. “I studied the instructions carefully. I saw nothing that said that I had to build it with B.C. fir. Besides where would I get B.C. fir?”
“B.C. tax guy.”
“But this is Northern Ontario.”
“And the point is?” Asked Bob with a look of impatience.
“The point is I am not licensed in B.C.”
“Is that really the point tax guy?”
“I don't know what the point is Bob. I really have no idea. What do you want me to do. Junk this?”
“You ready to give up?”
“I never give up.”
“I know tax guy. That is why I picked you.”Replied Bob. “I've been watching you along time tax guy. You were definitely the one for the job. Tell you what. Forget about the B.C. fir. I will be happy to have my Ark built of Jack Pine. Only do not be late.” And with those words of encouragement he was gone. Tax guy listened for his walking through the slash. He heard nothing. He saw nothing. Why were there no footprints in the muskeg? Why? Why? Why? And most of all why had he not remembered to ask Bob about the deal? Sometimes life really sucks. Here he was bitten from head to foot. Lump covering lumps. Sun burnt. He hadn't slept in a week and he was sure he was constipated. Yet he couldn't let go of this Ark and hammered away. Raising one tree at a time. He had just past 60ft when he started to hallucinate. First, he saw this butterfly who kept calling him Tom. No one had called him Tom in twenty years. And said, he should call her Harmony. Now Harmony chased away the mosquitoes and brought some colour to his drab little tax world. Harmony also started a line of sorts. And there she hovered, first in line. Then at eighty-nine foot line he saw a Queen Bee and she was always smiling and had brought a satchel of honey to sweeten his world and all those who would come. Her name was Dana. Dana summoned The lion who kept walking around Tax guy and saying “Are you hungry yet?” Her name is June. June wanted him well fed. Paul wanted him to enjoy what he was eating and Terry just enjoyed watching him eat. This all seemed quite normal for tax guy till the 92 foot when the thought hit him”When did animals and whatever those are talk?”Tom
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They Only Debated These Laws for a Year
by Tom » Mon Jul 09, 2007 3:50 pm

I think we should all be aware of the more serious laws we should follow

It is illegal to walk across the Minnesota-Wisconsin border with a duck on your head. It is alright though to have one in your pants.
All bathtubs must have feet.
You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street. (Virginia) You may park your elephant on any other street providing you are not from Minnesota and have a duck on your head.
Red cars may not drive down Lake Street. (Minneapolis)
It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your vehicle. It is not illegal however to drive the wrong way down a one way street if the lantern is not attached to the front of your vehicle.
Town records may not be kept where liquor is sold. Town records may be kept where liquor is drank by the barrel however.

It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. (Devon)
Toads may not be licked. (Los Angeles) Toad licking had apparently become an epidemic in Los Angeles and they had to put their foot down. Tickling a toad is still permitted.

Roosters may not crow in the city limits. (Ontario) Yes indeed that would be too much to tolerate. Congratulations to the legislatures who debated this topic into the wee hours of the morning. Ironically it was a Rooster that crowed as the sun rose that ended the debate.
Males may not dress as a female unless a special permit is obtained from the sheriff. (Walnut) The sheriff however may dress as a female with just your usual permit.

It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar. (San Diego)

Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street. (San Francisco) As beauty is in the eye of the beholder that would be a tough call.

You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays. (Florida) Friday to Wednesday farting was manditory. Those who did not comply with this law due to modesty or any other trivial reason had their farting privaleges removed for a year.

textYou Know You Are Getting Older When You Realize That...
by Tom » Mon Jul 09, 2007 4:20 pm

I've discovered that I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
I don't remember being absent minded.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
I feel like the morning after and I haven't been anywhere
I look forward to a dull evening.
I know all the answers but nobody asks the questions
I regret all those mistakes I made resisting temptations.
"Getting lucky" means I found my car in the parking lot. Tom
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Tribute To My Friend
by Tom » Wed Jun 20, 2007 10:53 pm

I haven't been around lately but that is life. You can't always do what you want to do and you can't always have want you want. Most people never even get what they need for an acceptable quality of life and that is love.

The loves in my own life have been a precious few but all are treasured to the very pit of my soul. I never betray that love or the one who owns it. This is about one of the best loves of my life. It is one of total respect and the acceptance of each others irritants, not that I am completely admitting that I have some irritable habits but I will admit that my friend has on occasion mentioned that I may have. Now here is the kicker. This love is about my best brother friend. We are not brothers in blood but in spirit which is thicker. He is a bit over a day older than me but he is shorter which evens the score. We can talk about anything subject most of the time and the other will give their honest and sometimes brutal opinion of the other. I admit he does get carried away and is wrong when I am right. He never admits this however just to mess with my mind. I don't mind that because I can mess with his, with equal dexterity. Now with that in mind I must tell you that we trust each other to do the best for each other and have been known to defend each other to the wrath of others. I know that whatever I might need in life my brother would do everything possible to provide it as he knows I would do for him.

We are a strange couple of sorts because we do not recognize what we have done for each other till the other one brings it up. We always minimize what we have done and not out of self righteous pride but because we genuinely admire each other.

We only met a little more than two years ago but we have lived mirror lives. We lived in the same neighbourhood at one point literally one block away and never met. We owned businesses that were should have brought us together yet we never met. We lived in the same building over a year before we even passed each other. But when we took the time or it was the right time to meet we became buddies. He is the first male friend I have ever had. His name is John Mott. My name is Tom Bosvik. Tom spelled backwards is Mot tom. We spiritually views are very similar yet very different. Our value systems are spot on. Our political views again are very similar yet very different. You see I am a card carrying liberal and proud of it. I know that is a fault he has to live with but I am sure God will understand.

He was known as a unique hockey player, his exploits so different he wrote about it in A Feast of Insignificance, called A Hockey Star is Born.

The point of it all is I am privileged to say he is my brother in every way and I love him.Tom
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Reply with quotetribute to a friend
by John » Thu Jun 21, 2007 8:04 am

Thanks Tom for putting me in the spotlight, you know how much I love that. Loyality is a key component in a friendship, and indeed we have a mutual admiration type relationship. I thank God for putting you in my life. He has used you to teach me many things by your example of love and genuine consideration for all those you come in contact with.
AND I THANK YOU FOR BEING SUCH A GREAT AND LOYAL FRIEND.

John a.k.a. Nash Rambler a.k.a. Gnat.
John
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Reply with quoteO My, Am I Embarrassed
by Tom » Thu Jun 21, 2007 7:22 pm

O My this is awkward. I think I am blushing , Did I say John... Mott ah hem... I meant Philip Mott.

Have a good day Nash, Gnat, John Tom
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Reply with quoteRe: Tribute To My Friend
by Joan » Mon Nov 05, 2007 8:17 am

As one who admires both of you - I salute this display of friendship. And, I don't believe for a moment that Tom is blushing! I am pleased and proud to be a friend of men who are comfortable with their own male presence to give voice to feelings and sentiment! By the way, you are both kind of special and God sure has a sense of humour - Tom / Mot - go figure. Anyway, for those who may be reading this - I watched these two men work tirelessly and quietly to bring a food program into one of our local schools. No fuss - no praise - no noise; just caring and endless work. Thank you both for being who you are. Blessings, JoanJoan
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Be The Exception: Not The Rule
by Tom » Sun Oct 29, 2006 7:53 pm

I think if you would look around you would find that most people, especially seniors, just want to get along. They have no particular agenda and just want to find some peace at the end of the rainbow rather than a pot of gold. For the most part they are honest, hard working and dedicated citizens who have their good and bad days. Generally their good is far outweighed by the bad. Then there are those people who look only in the bad in people who are trying to do good. Their lives must be so full of misery that they try and destroy whatever good is around them that they cannot benefit from.

Seniors and children are taken for granted. Their opinions are seldom heard by the people that should be listening.

Seniors and children are either given too or taken from. To give to a senior who has earned his place in society is a slap in the face. There is little difference from having someone taking something you own and give it back to you and expect you to say thank you. That is both an example of someone giving and taking from you. And the sad thing is the person who is doing the giving and taking is usually another seniors.

We started a grass roots movement called The Welcome Mat Project and claimed the slogan "A Family of Friends". We have only scratched the surface and even that has been a struggle of monumental proportions.

If we can only agree that we are all different and that we all have valid opinions that we will be a greater site, place and world. But we seem to always become what we said we hated most and what we hated most was the person we have become. There are exceptions to that rule I just wish it was a lot higher.

Be The Exception: Not The Rule

This Could Be You
by Tom » Wed Oct 11, 2006 4:15 pm

Here is one for the books. The Welcome Mat Project is a seniors initiative dedicated to the enhancement of life for all family members. In our Family of Friends and my best friend and fellow member, John, was forced to leave his job just short of his retirement age. It was of course a sudden move. He was playing golf in the early mornings in late May and in the hospital by night with a blown gut. However it took two days of tests before they knew that. By this time it was a life threatening situation and he had emergency surgery. My friend is tough and his recovery was remarkable. But even saying that he was not able to go back to work. He was recommended to apply for Canada Disability. The pension office personnel said he would have his pension by the time his sick leave benefits ran out by October 15, 2006. Today he received a letter from Canada Disability dated September 29th, that he did not qualify for disability. So sorry, we were just kidding about you being entitled to benefits for the last 45 years of work.

I said he left work because of a blown gut but that was the last thing. He was recommended to quit work after his first heart attack, (he had two) which was before his stroke. Then there was the emergency flight to Hamilton for surgery where they put in a stent. This past January he had a second stent put in. Then there are the little ailments as he calls them, like diabetes, arthritis, kidney failure he doesn't like to mention. Oh yes I forgot to mention that the arthritis medicine he was on, he was taken off because it was at least in part to blame for the blown gut.

This is how the decision is worded. “We recognize that you have identified limitations resulting from emergency bowel surgery requiring a colostomy, angioplasty of your hear with stents, arthritis, diverticulitis, stroke three years ago and kidney failure. However the following factors were also considered.

According to your family doctors report, you have a history of angina with a coronary artery stent procedure, a colostomy for a perforated bowel in May, 2006 and type II diabetes. Your angina and colostomy are both stable.

According to the report obtained from cardiology the blockage of your heart was treated with and angioplasty and a stent was inserted into the artery to keep it open.

According to your nephrologists report you had acute kidney failure due to dehydration because of your long history of diarrhea. You were treated with fluids.

According to your general surgeons report you were having severe abdominal pain with diarrhea and nausea. Exploratory surgery was done for a perforated bowel and colostomy was performed/

While you may not have been able to do your usual work we concluded that you should still be able to do some type of work?

So what is the problem here? A medical system that is so flawed they can't fill out a report correctly? I think not. Or is it a governmental system that can't see the forest for the trees. The report says the kidney failure was due to dehydration from the diarrhea which he had for some time. In the next sentence it says the diarrhea and nausea was caused by a blown bowel. This is a 64 year old man, ten months from retirement who has had multiple major life threatening illnesses and cannot do the job he was doing. He is told he can find another job. A 64 year old man in Thunder Bay, who has had two life threatening illnesses this year alone. Who is going to hire him? What business would pay to train him only to have him leave within ten months and the likely possibility of more sick time? I think the odds are non existent.

They also said that if he should take early retirement, which is now his only option, they would make it retroactive to the date of his application with Canada Pension Disability. In the Canada Pension Application a queer note. They say instead of applying for Canada Pension before 65 you may be entitled to Canada Disability.

The reason you would opt for that is because your Canada Pension is lowered for every month you get in before you are 65 and that is for life.

One disgusted citizen.

Tom

The Last White Knight

The white knight is not always white.
He is bruised and bettered and bloody
For it was he that fought the fight-
And once the days are done
and all the wars are won,
He will clean himself proper and fit
And ride the damsel ride
He will look long and wide
Till he finds his love abide, someday
Only then will he have found his way-
He would try to forget the murders he would fight
Each and every night,
and the thought he killed some mothers son and how they would fight.
But he was the greatest there ever was to be
But the last White Knight never found his tranquility.
It just wasn't meant to be.

THE SLAVE

A MAN WHO HAS A PRICE
Is a man who can be bought.
A man who can be bought
Is a man who can be sold.
A man who can be sold is a slave.
And what is a slave
But a man who has a price.

Tom

My kind of humour
by Tom » Sat Sep 02, 2006 5:06 pm

I know most of you will not get this story at all but that is also the reason I am presenting it. Have a good read. It is called, "The Giant"

"I was walking down the road one day and I was thinkin pretty straight but walkin kind of crooked, some would say staggering, I say stumbling alot. You see it was the cracks in the sidewalk that kept tripping me up gives me the runs, and that is what I told the judge."

The judge who had this who farted look on his face, scowled at me and said. "What is that smell?"

"Well judge it is like this. Whenever a crack in the sidewalk trips me up, I get the runs. It's a terret type of thing and really rare. I think I only got it. I've been denied a pension. I think it is because I am short. They don't give pensions to short people, at least that is what I hear."

The judge surveyed my existence with a look of why isn't it coffee time yet to the baliff and said "Sir you are at least six foot four are you not?"

"Yes that is right but you see I am a giant and that is really short for a giant."

"So your defence is you were not drunk in a public place and staggering, you say you were stumbling over the cracks in the sidewalk caused by a terret type illness that strikes only short giants and you soiled yourself. Is that about it?"

"Bingo. By golly you got it. You have seen the light"

"That will be fifty dollars."

"Thank god. You have found the cure. Praise the lord." I was so happy, my misery was over, that was till the judge said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"The fifty dollars." I said in my excitement. "That is what it is going to cost me to get the cure right?"

"No, that is the fine. I have no idea how much it will cost to cure you but I thank you for the best story I've heard in this court room in awhile." And with that he hammered his gavel on his desk.

I was numb with disappointment but asked "So you don't believe me?"

"No."

"Isn't that how life is. Nobody believes anybody anymore especially if the story is a little odd and true.

Tom